May 15 happens to to be the international day for families. This year it was right in the middle of our Ph.D. interview week and I could not write this blog. I started it later and finally decided to complete this on 31st December 2024 as the world is anxious about the uncertainties all over. We have more than two wars. Election results in USA and several other countries and states in India have been of concern to some who consider themselves as liberals. Rebecca Trager has written a commentary in Chemistry World titled, ‘Trump is a disaster for Science’.¹ I am reminded of a blog I wrote in 2017 after Trump won the first term and Modi demonetized Indian currency that led to disaster for numerous poor people in India.² Clearly, New York Times would not accept 2016 to be the worst year ever. I suspect they would dub 2024 as the worst year.

In every nation and in every society, the importance of a family has been recognized. Liberal philosophers have always pointed out that all humanity is one family. I have mentioned an ancient poem in Tamil written by Kaniyan Poongundranaar which proclaims ‘yaadum oorae yaavarul kaeLir’ (“யாதும் ஊரே யாவரும் கேளிர்”), which means all towns are our town and all people are our relatives. When India became the head of G20 recently, the slogan ‘Vasudeva kudumbakam’ (written in Hindi in the image below) was chosen which means ‘the world is one family’.

While these are esoteric ideas, everyone knows what is practically meant by a family. I think family means, love, affection, duty and right (in Tamil காதல், பாசம், கடமை, உரிமை, kaathal, paasam, kadamai and urimai) among the members of the family and I must add in reasonable measures. Anything in excess cannot be good. The esoteric ideas pointed out above can be taken to mean that there is no need to hate anyone and we should all learn to live and let live. There is a proverb in Tamil which says “தனக்கு மிஞ்சி தான் தான தர்மம் (thanakku minji thaan thaana tharmam)”, which means you can help others and donate what you have after keeping what you need. I think this is applicable for time as well. Unfortunately, this does not tell you what one needs and that is upto the individual to decide. It is worth remembering what Gandhi said: “There is enough in this world for everyone’s need, not enough for a single man’s greed”.

A typical family, for me, starts with a husband and wife, who take a vow to share the good and bad life will bring. In typical marriages in India, this vow is implied and is not spoken loud.³ Whether the marriage is arranged by family or the individuals who are already in love with each other, this vow is important. Love and affection between them are necessary but not sufficient. There is an old proverb in Tamil which says ‘mogam muppathu naal, aasai arubathu naal (infatuation lasts for 30 days and desire lasts for 60 days). Life lasts much longer. It is important for the husband and wife to take responsibility in each others lives and also the liberty to expect help from each other as and when needed. It would be naive to assume that the husband and wife live happily ever after the marriage. Good and bad times will come. Facing them together, enjoying the good times and sailing through the bad times are essential. Love and affection could help in doing this for some time. If one does not recognize the importance of the duty and right that come with marriage, sailing together becomes difficult, especially when the going gets tough. Now, one can see how world as one family is not practical.

The major challenge for humans in a family, is balancing the interests of self and other members of the family. Between husband and wife, as equal partners, this is important from day one. Neither can expect the other person to take care of him/her all the time and it is important to give space and time for the other person. There will be situations in which one member has to do more and by nature there will be situations in which the roles reverse. With children, until they grow up, parents have to provide everything. Unlike the husband-wife relation which is expected to be that of equals, parents-children relation is typically, and rightfully, one sided. We need to take full responsibility for our children until they grow to be independent adults. Often unconditional love and support are given to children by parents. As the children grow and learn to take care of themselves, slowly some responsibility for the family falls on their shoulder. While most humans do feel sympathy when looking at everyone who is suffering, taking responsibility for everyone who suffers is impossible for anyone. Within a family, it is a responsibility and duty to do this. This is expected in a typical family and this cannot be applied to ‘vasudeva kudumbakam’. However, parents should not force or expect their children to be with them and help them always and let them do what they want in their life. In my view, parents are responsible for the children who are brought to this world by their act. This needs to be one-sided relation. Ultimately, the children have to move on and start their families.

I am convinced that every society recognized the importance of the duty and right that come with marriage. In India, Hinduism (broadly encompassing all religions originated and grew in India, perhaps except Sikhism, Jainism and Buddhism) emphasized this. The most popular poet from Tamil cinema, Kannadasan, wrote several volumes titled ‘arthamulla indu matham (அர்த்தமுள்ள இந்து மதம்)’ translated as ‘The meaningful Hindu religion’. and there is a popular song of him that begins with these words. It starts by saying ‘the meaningful Hindu religion assigned duties for every human’. This includes duties to the family and also to the society, as every human has several roles to play. Thirukkural in Tamil has a chapter each, outlining the roles of different individuals as well. When one recognizes and accepts the importance of duty and right, this continues for life, and members of the family have to do it without any expectation.

Bhagavad Gita emphasized doing one’s duty without expecting anything in return. This is a deep thought that most would accept individually. However, in practice this can be used for exploitation. Ideally, every one should have the liberty to choose what is his/her duty. However, once chosen, (s)he has to remain dutyful. There will be times when some in the family feel others are not doing their part. This could be real or perceived. It would be human nature to exaggerate one’s own contributions. It would be good to have an open discussion and sort these issues out through discussion. It is important for both parties to talk AND listen. Family is an important unit for humans and every attempt to preserve it is essential in my view. As long as family survives, the humanity can survive. Any attempts to dislodge the family structure would be viewed with skepticism by people at large. Perhaps that explains some of the election results. I wish everyone a happy, healthy, peaceful and prosperous new year!

References:

1. Rebecca Trager, Trump is a disaster for Science, Chemistry World, page 6, December 2024 issue.
2. 2017 will be a great year for India and the World! | earunan
3. I found this vow on the web: “I take you to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part”. There is a beautiful Tamil film song from Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya which has this vow. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXa-wbiXiOw In case you know this song, the first line is worth remembering and it is equally important to realize that the second line implies blind love, that cannot last forever. If it does, it is comparable to fatal attraction.